Not looking good...

So I am preparing myself for a BFN from beta tomorrow. I tested at 8dp3dt on Friday with a dollar store test and it was a BFN. I tested yesterday at 9dp3dt with a dollar store test and it was a BFN. I tested again today at 10dp3dt with a FRER test and it was a BFN. Even if I do get a BFP tomorrow, it will probably be low and not result in anything, like last time. IF sucks. :(

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IVF#2

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, but here's and update. We have done IVF#2 and I am now in the 2ww.
This time I was on Menopur 450units (the max dose), which means I should have responded very well, with lots of follicles. However, that was not the case. At my first monitoring u/s, I only had 5 follicles. At the second one, it was about the same and the RE said that there is something "seriously wrong" with my ovaries, because they aren't responding the the medication properly. I asked him why, and he said there are many causes. It could be something as simple as my mom getting a fever when she was pregnant with me and the toxins going to me. He said he didn't want to get into what could be causing it, but he wanted to focus on this cycle.
So when I went back for my 3rd monitoring u/s, there were a couple more smaller follicles but it looked like there would only be 4 good ones. Three of them were around 20mm but one was bigger at 26mm. So I did the HCG trigger shot that night, May 25th, with egg retrieval scheduled for May 27th.
On the egg retrieval day, they got 8 eggs, which sounded promising. The good thing was that they must have gave me more IV pain meds than last time, because I hardly felt anything that was going on. Which was a relief, because last time was agony.
On the morning of May 28th, the embryologist called me with the fertilization results. Of the 8 eggs retrieved, only 3 were mature. That must mean that we lost that big one that they saw at the last monitoring u/s. This was obviously disappointing. But the rest was even more disappointing. Of the 3 mature eggs, only 1 was for sure fertilized, 1 was for sure not, and 1 maybe was. They wouldn't know if that one was actually fertilized until they saw if it started to divide. So that meant I probably only had 1 embryo to transfer, therefore it would be a day 3 transfer on May 30th.
On embryo transfer day, we went in and found out that there was only 1 to transfer. However it was a good 6 cell, grade 2 embryo with less than 10% fragmentation. The transfer itself was very VERY uncomfortable. It really sucks when you have a full bladder and the nurse is pushing on your pelvic area with an u/s wand, while the RE is inserting a speculum and catheter. It's even worse when my cervix doesn't cooperate, so the RE needs to keep re-positioning the speculum, making the procedure last a lot longer than it is supposed to. I was super glad when that was over.
So now I am just hoping and praying for this one little embyro to stick and become a baby.
Beta pregnancy test is scheduled for June 10th.

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Medically Confirmed

I got the call this morning that beta #3 yesterday was 5, so it is a confirmed chemical pregnancy. I'm trying not to be sad, because I already knew, but still. I'm just going to try and work on my goals and not think about it.

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Chemical Pregnancy

This morning I finally found out what my 2nd beta was, it was 11. So no change from beta #1 to beta #2. I also went for beta #3 this morning, but I still don't have the results. I should get them sometime tomorrow.
I don't think it matters, though. My day today consisted of severe pelvic cramps followed by lots of bleeding. Yep, there goes my baby. I knew it was going to happen, it just seems so final now.
Yay for another chemical pregnancy.

I've decided to be positive and make new goals for myself. I'm going to become the healthiest version of myself that I can be, starting next week. And DH and I are going to be smart with money so we can get the next IVF going ASAP. And that one WILL work.

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14dp3dt

Ok so this is what has happened since my last post:

March 16, 10dp3dt-- BFN in am using dollar store test
March 17, 11dp3dt-- 5am=BFN using ClearBlue Easy test
7am= 1st Beta
6:30pm= faint BFP on FRER test
March 18, 12dp3dt= faint BFP on FRER with FMU
A tiny bit of light red spotting in the afternoon.
2:30pm=  Beta results are in. HCG=11
6pm= faint BFP on FRER
March 19, 13dp3dt= BFN on Rexall drugstore brand test
10:30am= 2nd Beta
Some cramping and spotting throughout the day.
4pm= 2nd Beta results= HCG not rising, most likely not a continuing pregnancy. But RE wants me to continue on the progesterone and repeat bloodwork on the 21st. They never gave me the HCG number, just said that it didn't rise.
No more spotting/cramping after around 4:30pm.
March 20, 14dp3dt= Acupuncture appointment. Explained everything to my acu guy and he told me that HCG doubling every few days is a general rule, but it's not always the case. He said that any good RE will say the same. He said that he has seen many women who don't have a rise/double in HCG and about 50% of them continue on to have healthy pregnancies. He told me that it could go either way and to just take it day by day.
After acupuncture, I had a little cramping and spotting. Now I've been having spotting every time when going to the bathroom.
I tried calling my RE's office several times today to get my actual HCG results from my 2nd Beta, but no one called me back.

So now, I will be going for repeat bloodwork tomorrow sometime, and I hope I can get the results from yesterday's Beta AND tomorrow's Beta promptly.

I'm not really sure how this is all going to turn out, but I'm not holding out much hope for good results. Because of the cramping/spotting, the BFN yesterday, and the lack of HCG doubling, this is not looking very good for me.

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8dp3dt and 9dp3dt

I did more hpts:

8dp3dt: negative
9dp3dt: negative

I'm still staying positive, though.

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7dp3dt

I did a hpt this morning at 5am. BFN. I will test again tomorrow morning.

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Stupid Progesterone

I'm going to get a little TMI here, so you've been warned.

One side effect of the Endometrin suppositories is discharge, but it's more like leaking. So much that a pantyliner wasn't enough, and when I got home today, I needed to change my underwear. It is very unpleasant.

There are other side effects I have experienced as well; headaches, drowsiness, and cramps.
I'll be happy when I no longer have to take this stuff.

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Embryo Update

So I got the call this morning from the clinic, and it's not good. None of the other embryos made it, so we have nothing to freeze. No back-up. Now if this doesn't work, we are going to have to save up for awhile before attempting again, because we sure as hell don't have that kind of money right now for a second IVF. Also, I will have to go through Egg Retrieval Hell again. And I am SO not looking forward to that. I'm sad and worried right now.

But on the other hand, I'm trying to be positive that these two embryos, our little fraggles, are continuing to develop properly and will be implanting soon. I have all my fingers and toes crossed, I am praying with all my heart, and I am sending as much positive energy to my uterus right now. And we also have everyone we know doing the same for us. It is helping that everyone is so positive, and they want this so badly for us. It really touches my heart how much everyone cares. But that means it will break my heart if this doesn't work.
So please God, hear my prayers. Hear DH's prayers. Hear my Dad's, my sisters', my grandparents', my in-laws', and my friends' prayers. Please, please, please let this work.

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Embryo Transfer

So surprise! Embryo transfer was today instead of Friday.
I got the call from the embryologist this morning to update me on my embryos, only to find out that all 7 of them are fragmenting. So as not to risk them not lasting until Friday, and also because it is better if they are in their natural environment in my uterus, they wanted to do the transfer today.
So I freaked out, started looking up fragmentation, and freaked out some more. They never told me the extent of the fragmentation, just to come in for 10:30am transfer.
So I rushed to get ready, and then go pick up DH from work, then rush to the clinic.
We got there and were checked in at about 9:45. Then they brought us in around 10ish. I was really uncomfortable because I had to pee, so they let me pee a little, but not empty my bladder. The embryologist came to talk to us about the embryos. all 7 were still growing, but were all fragmenting. The two they were going to put in were pretty good quality, though. One was a 5 cell, grade 2, with 15% fragmentation. The second one was a 6 cell, grade 3, with 20% fragementation, but it was compacted. As for the other ones, two had 50% or more fragmentation, so they probably won't make it to freeze. The other 3 had about 20% fragmentation, so we will have to wait and see how they are on Friday or Saturday. The clinic will call me and let me know how they are, and if any can be frozen. The embryologist also said that they did Assisted Hatching, because with the fragmentation, the embryos might not be strong enough to hatch out of their shells on their own.
So yeah, there was another woman ahead of me and she was in the procedure room, but the doctor wasn't there yet. They waited and waited, and since she was so uncomfortable too, they let her come out and pee 3 times. Finally the doctor came, and then he did hers and then I don't know where he went. Because they got the room all ready for me, and then we were waiting in there forever.
They had to page him 3 times, and they tried to go find him. They let me pee twice again. Finally he came, around 11:30. The embryologist let us see our little embryos on the screen. So the doctor puts the speculum in, and the nurse starts with the u/s on my tummy, but there's something wrong with the u/s machine, it's frozen. So they had to shut it down and reboot it. The whole time the speculum is in me, and the doctor was cleaning with sponges and swabs; not very comfortable. He made me laugh and I couldnt stop, and it was weird because of the speculum, and having to pee so bad. Finally the u/s machine was working, so the embryologist brought the embryos. The doctor then tried to get the catheter in, but he couldnt get it through my cervix. And the nurse was having a hard time finding my uterus with the u/s. The doctor kept saying it was a little to the right, and then he was calling it a septate uterus, whatever that means. But he was saying I have a nice uterus, which he has said before.
FINALLY he got the catheter in, and when he pushed the embryos, and fluid, into my uterus, you could see it on the u/s. It was weird. So, it took forever, but now it's done! And I'm relieved and happy and excited. Trying not to stress and be nervous. Just going to be positive.

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Fertilization Results

So this morning I got the call from the embryologist with the fertilization results:
9 eggs were retrieved
Of those 9, 7 were mature
Of those 7, ALL of them were fertilized

OMG! I am ecstatic! I never expected those results, especially because of my follicle sizes on Friday. So we will be doing Day 5 Embryo Transfer this Friday, March 8th. We will have to wait and see how many embryos last until then. The clinic will give me a call on Wednesday to update me on the embryos. I will be praying and crossing all my fingers and toes that all 7 little guys make it and grow well.

Update on how I'm feeling today: I am still sore and have been taking Tylenol and using a magic bag. It mostly just hurts when I move and when I go to the bathroom.

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Egg Retrieval Day

So this is how it went this morning:

They took us into one of the little rooms they use for IUI. They gave me 2 gowns, one for front and one for back. They gave DH green hospital scrubs. So we changed and put all our belongings in bags. Then just outside the procedure area they gave us covers for our feet. I was wearing socks under them but Tiago could still where his shoes. Then I had to put a cap on over my hair and Tiago got a cap that ties in the back, like doctors' ones. Then we went into the procedure area and to the recovery room. We put our stuff in a locker and I went pee. Then we sat and waited. The nurse put heat on my hands to help get my veins to pop out. They gave me an ativan and let me sit a few more minutes. Then the nurse came and put in the IV, which friggin hurt. The drips they were giving me were normal saline and antibiotics. Then the embryologist came go talk to us a little. Then I had to pee again to make sure my bladder was empty, or else the doctor would have to insert a catheter. Then we went into the procedure room. They asked us if we wanted to be a part of a study to see if lidocaine injected in the cervix actually works to minimize pain. At the clinic, they normally give the lidocaine. But in some other clinics they don't. So the study is that in some people they will inject the lidocaine, and some people they will give a placebo (normal saline). So I agreed to do it, because they were going to poke my cervix with a needle either way.
So then they injected the sedation and pain meds into my IV and the doctor was there a couple minutes later. The embryologist was in a room right beside and a half door opened so we could see him in there. I was feeling woozy; kind of drunk feeling. It didn't hurt like usual when the speculum was inserted. But then, he was poking me with the needle in my cervix and that was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I was yelling and balling my eyes out. They had to give me more meds, to the maximum dose. The nurse was trying to tell me to breathe deep but I couldn't, I was pretty much hyperventilating. It was horrible. Once that part was over I felt a little better, just sore. Then with the ultrasound probe and needle it wasn't that bad. The needle going into the ovary hurt but nowhere near as much as the other needle. As the doctor was sucking the eggs and follicular fluid out, the embryologist was looking at them under a microscope. He would take each egg out and put it in its own test tube and he would count them out loud as he was going. At the end there were 9 eggs. The nurse injected maxeran for nausea. Then they helped me into a wheelchair and pushed me to the recovery room. I sat there for awhile and they gave me water, applejuice, cheese, and crackers. I kind of was falling in and out of sleep. I had to fill out a questionnaire about my pain for their study. I ate the food and then went pee. And the doctor came to talk to me. He said they like to get 8-10 eggs, so we're in normal range. Everyone seemed happy with the numbers. Then the nurse took out my IV and we went and changed and left. They gave me two reqs for pregnancy test. The first one will be March 17.

When we got home, all i wanted to do was sleep and I slept for about 4 hours. When I woke up, the pain meds must have worn off because I was in a lot of pain. I still am; I have taken tylenol and have been using a magic bag on my pelvic area to relieve some pain. It mostly hurts when I move, but every so often I will get a burst of pain on the left side. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.

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CD11/Treatment Day 9

I missed posting the past couple days but I'll let you know what's been going on.
On Wednesday, I went into the clinic for my monitoring appointment. When I went in for bloodwork, the tech hit a nerve in my arm, and OH MY GOD did that hurt! I guess my arm bounced when she hit it and the needle came out a bit, but she was able to keep it in there, then she had to push it further in and reposition it, which also hurt like a motherf***er.
As for the ultrasound, there were still only 10 follicles in total, not what I was hoping for but I guess it will do. My acupuncturist told me after that all we need is one good one and that made me feel better. So there were three follicles that were 17mm, and the rest were still kind of small, so they put me on Cetrotide for Wednesday and Thursday night to slow those bigger ones down and let the others catch up.
I really don't like the Cetrotide. It's 3mL of liquid injected subcutaneously, with causes a huge bump under the skin and it is itchy and sore for awhile. But I'm done with that now.

So today, I went in for monitoring again. It was so busy in the clinic today, there weren't enough seats for everyone. But I was #12 in line, so I didn't have to wait very long. Bloodwork went pretty smoothly today, considering my crappy veins, so that was good.
The ultrasound showed that 5 follicles are bigger than the others; they were at 20, 21, 21, 21, and 23mm. The rest were smaller, with the smallest being only 13mm. So that wasn't very good news. They want me to trigger tonight, so as not to lose the big ones.

So I will trigger tonight, then go in Sunday morning for egg retrieval. I'm nervous, but excited.
Anyone who is reading this, please pray for me that we get a lot of eggs out and everything goes smoothly. Thanks.
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CD7/Treatment Day 5

So I went in to the clinic for monitoring today and it was a way better experience than last time. I got in really quick and everything was done swiftly.
On the ultrasound, they saw 9 follicles on the left, measuring 9-12mm, and 1 follicle on the right, measuring 8mm. There are not as many as I had hoped, but we will see what is there when I go back on Wednesday.
They told me I probably won't have to take Cetrotide yet, the Antagonist, but it depends on my bloodwork results. They will call me later this afternoon if they want me to start on it.

So far today I am feeling pretty good, not as sick as yesterday. Had some cramping on the left side, which makes sense after seeing the ultrasound today, and been feeling really hungry again today. I have a minor headache and a little bit of nausea.
My mood is ok; I'm kind of tired and I have to work later. Oh well. It's life.

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CD6/Treamtent Day 4

I woke up this morning around 7am with the WORST stomachache, so I went to the bathroom and was in there for about half an hour (diarrhea. Sorry for the TMI). After that, I weighed myself, like I have been doing every morning to check for signs of OHSS(Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome), and I have lost 3 pounds in 2 days. Not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing. I went back to bed and woke up again at around 10:30am having to go to the bathroom again. When I was done, I went back to bed again and didn't get up until 12:50pm, and I woke up with a horrible headache and my stomach was still hurting.

These drugs are a bitch. But it will all be worth it.

CD5/Treatment Day 3

How I'm feeling today:
  
   Physically
   -Mild pelvic cramps that are more uncomfortable than painful.
   -VERY hungry. I'll eat something and then be super hungry 5 minutes later.
   -Peeing a LOT. About once each hour, sometimes more often.
   -A little bit of nausea.
   -Headache that has lasted since I woke up this morning, and I still have it. And Tylenol doesn't seem to be helping.

   Emotionally
   -I have been in a really good mood all day, very happy. :)

I also had acupuncture this morning, which I'm positive is helping.

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Start of our IVF journey

Ok, so I had a 31 day cycle, and then got AF on Tuesday Feb. 19. So this morning (Feb. 21), we went to the Fertility Clinic for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork to start this cycle.
The ultrasound was good, everything looked as it should. I am prescribed Gonal-F 300 units/day and Luveris 75 units/day, for 5 days. I will go back into the clinic on Feb. 25 for ultrasound and bloodwork again. Depending on how the eggs are growing, I may have to start an Antagonist, called Cetrotide, to slow down the growth of some of the follicles so they are all around the same size.

So, I did my first injection tonight of a Gonal-F/Luveris solution. When I used Gonal-F for the IUIs, it made me pretty sick and the highest dose I was ever on was 150 units. Now I'm on twice as much. We'll see what happens with these meds/doses.

Crossing my fingers I respond well and quickly to the meds.

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Depressing...

Hey, sorry for all the depressing poems. When I'm feeling down, it helps me to get my feelings out. Now I don't feel so bad. I'm not as stressed. Which is good, because we will be doing IVF soon, if this cycle is a bust.

I am on CD27, so I should be getting AF today or tomorrow probably. Then we can start our IVF cycle. I am excited and nervous at the same time. But I will remain positive that this will work. My doctor has said we have a 60% chance of getting pregnant with this IVF cycle. That might not sound very high, but it is, compared to the 15% chance we had when we were doing IUIs.

So DH and I, and all of our family and friends that know, will be praying for this to work. And if you are reading this, can you please pray too? Thank you.

I miss you

Where were you
When I needed you the most
You used to always be there
I could count on you
I needed you
I need you
I need someone to confide in
To ask for advice
I've been through so much
And you weren't there
You aren't here
I'm making a lot of changes
And I need you
But you're gone
And I don't know if I'll ever get you back

Untitled

Every day is a new day
Full of great and wondrous possibilities
Or full of sadness and loss
Loss of life
Loss of childhood
Loss of innocence
Loss of hope
The slate is wiped clean
When you go to sleep at night
What will tomorrow bring
Anything is possible

Sweet Angel

I wonder what you would have looked like
What your personality would have been
Blonde hair with a sweet demeanor
Or maybe wide eyes with a mischevious smile
Oh, what possibilities there were for you
But instead, you were taken way too soon
Before I could even get used to the idea
This is why I believe in God and heaven
For I will see you one day
My sweet little angel

My Baby

I can see your face
Such a clear image
Like I've met you before
Those big brown eyes
Those soft curls
That dimpled smile
I will meet you one day, my baby boy
But for now
We can meet in my dreams

Infertility Song

I havent written any posts in awhile, been busy and not feeling it. But lately, I've written some poetry and I thought I'd share it here. Not sure if they good or not, but they are my true feelings that I needed to get out.

There is a song in my head
It plays over and over
I can't seem to remember the words
Or the tune
Just the feeling
The feeling of fear
And anticipation
And inadequacy
And hope
My mind and heart are in a battle
With eachother
And with themselves
Who will win
As the song keeps going
Like a broken record
In my mind

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