Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Weight Loss
So I've lost 10 lbs since Jan 1st. YAY! Could have been more, but I was lazy. My new goal is to lose 12 lbs by July 1st. I'll be tracking my weight loss here in the weeks to come.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
God's cruel joke?
Why does it seem like God is playing a cruel joke on me? Teenagers get pregnant the first time they have sex, drug-addicted women get pregnant, people who I know personally who are undeserving and not ready to have children, and more. All these people have it come so easy to them. I know a few people who tried for about 2 months and BAM, knocked up. How long does God want me to wait before he blesses me with a baby? God, I have been patient but I am not anymore. When will you bless me with my baby?
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Tuesday, April 3, 2012
FML
When I thought I couldn't feel any worse, I was proven wrong. We did IUI #3 on March 16th. It was the most painful thing I ever experienced. I had a new nurse who was learning and kept repositioning the speculum and couldn't get the catheter in, so a 2 minute procedure turned into a 15 minute plus procedure. And I am very sensitive; it hurts when I get Pap tests done.
So that was done and I wasn't very hopeful because the last 2 didn't work. My luteal phase is usually about 11 or 12 days and the longest it has ever been is 13 days. So around 11 DPO I was getting hopeful because I had no PMS symptoms. Then it's 12 DPO and then 13 DPO, 14 DPO, and then 15 DPO. That was April 1st and I had a req to get a blood pregnancy test. I did that at 11am. I was impatient and didn't want to wait a couple days for results, so at 8pm that day, I took a ClearBlue test. And I got a FAINT positive! DH and I had to squint to see it, but it was there.
The next morning I took a generic test and got a neg. I was hoping that it wasn't as sensitive of a test. Later that morning I get a call from my doc's office saying my blood test results were in. I had an hCG level of 8. So low!! But the nurse said we could be cautiously optimistic. I wanted to test later with a ClearBlue test to see if it showed a darker line, which would show that my hCG was increasing. It was neg. I was upset. But I'm always naive in thinking that the test could be wrong or something. So I tested again this morning. Yep you guessed it, neg again. Then I started getting spotting and cramping throughout the day.
So my conclusion is that I WAS pregnant and now I'm not. This is what you call a chemical pregnancy, or an early miscarriage. I have a doc appt on Thurs Apr 5th and I will see what he says. And I guess we will be coming up with a new plan as this was my 6th cycle on Clomid and my 3rd IUI.
This has made me feel so conflicted and confused. On one hand, it makes me feel better that I finally got pregnant, that it IS possible. But on the other hand, it took us 2 1/2 years to get a glimpse of hope and have it ripped away. How much longer do we have to wait for that again? This is the FIRST positive I have gotten in my life. What if it's the only one? Or another one won't come along for another 2 1/2 years? I know it's not good to think this way, that I should be positive and have hope. But right now I am very upset and all I want to do is feel sorry for myself. Now I will go to bed and hopefully not think about how shitty my life is, and fall asleep quickly. Goodnight.
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So that was done and I wasn't very hopeful because the last 2 didn't work. My luteal phase is usually about 11 or 12 days and the longest it has ever been is 13 days. So around 11 DPO I was getting hopeful because I had no PMS symptoms. Then it's 12 DPO and then 13 DPO, 14 DPO, and then 15 DPO. That was April 1st and I had a req to get a blood pregnancy test. I did that at 11am. I was impatient and didn't want to wait a couple days for results, so at 8pm that day, I took a ClearBlue test. And I got a FAINT positive! DH and I had to squint to see it, but it was there.
The next morning I took a generic test and got a neg. I was hoping that it wasn't as sensitive of a test. Later that morning I get a call from my doc's office saying my blood test results were in. I had an hCG level of 8. So low!! But the nurse said we could be cautiously optimistic. I wanted to test later with a ClearBlue test to see if it showed a darker line, which would show that my hCG was increasing. It was neg. I was upset. But I'm always naive in thinking that the test could be wrong or something. So I tested again this morning. Yep you guessed it, neg again. Then I started getting spotting and cramping throughout the day.
So my conclusion is that I WAS pregnant and now I'm not. This is what you call a chemical pregnancy, or an early miscarriage. I have a doc appt on Thurs Apr 5th and I will see what he says. And I guess we will be coming up with a new plan as this was my 6th cycle on Clomid and my 3rd IUI.
This has made me feel so conflicted and confused. On one hand, it makes me feel better that I finally got pregnant, that it IS possible. But on the other hand, it took us 2 1/2 years to get a glimpse of hope and have it ripped away. How much longer do we have to wait for that again? This is the FIRST positive I have gotten in my life. What if it's the only one? Or another one won't come along for another 2 1/2 years? I know it's not good to think this way, that I should be positive and have hope. But right now I am very upset and all I want to do is feel sorry for myself. Now I will go to bed and hopefully not think about how shitty my life is, and fall asleep quickly. Goodnight.
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